31/05/22

 

What are you so incredibly scared of today?

I am scared of being consumed by my task-oriented thoughts.

They have already been consuming me for the past week or so again.

So then I start to consume a lot myself; food, cigarettes, information, copious amounts of tea.

So that there is enough aliment for my thoughts to gobble on without eating my insides up.

Does that make sense? Being scared of being consumed so I start to consume?

I really think oh my god my insides will be churned to death (i know it’s not true, i feel it anyway).

 

Why is this happening now, again?

I am designing my website.

I am engaging in a creative process led by myself so to speak.

I feel overwhelmed.

I have often felt overwhelmed when engaging in creative processes. 

 

This was always the case since I was mostly part of projects where there were not many care structures in place. Or sometimes there were but it still felt overwhelming. Working with people who are not emotionally-conscious to my sensitivities makes me struggle deeply.

I am not quite sure what overwhelms my nervous system so much.

 

Fear?

Yes, my insides panic.

I do feel for example that for the making of this website I structured things quite well.

I left an empty month for me to focus on it and here and there I sometimes went for a class, to the theatre, to join someone in something they were busy with it so that I am also not 24/7 in front of a computer you know. 

 

What are you then panicking about, really, at this moment?

 

Good question.

Two weeks into the process this website is now starting to take shape....

Maybe I see now how much actual work there is left and that I might not make it to the projected deadline as I said I would. I don’t want this to happen.

I want to finish it.

 

What does finishing it mean for you? As I also know that it will be a work in progress right?

Hmm… I don’t know. That I would feel that it holds what I feel is important in it for its launch on the 14th of June.

 

What is important?

Things I’ve made.

Things that move me.

People I care about.

Beautiful people 

and things.

Like feathers and hair gel.

What matters. What gives me joy.

Imagination?

It seems to me that I don’t care so much about the things I have been in so much that were not my creations. I feel this is a very very rude thing to say. It’s also kind of crazy to say this as I am a performer, and mostly I am working in the work of others. I enjoy this thoroughly until a point. But somehow by the end of the process, the theatre-making experience gets very intense. Everyone starts to get stressed out, people get injuries, get sick, get whatever. Then there is a desire that this process is over and birthed. That we can go back to our normal lives.

I fucking hate this. I DO. 

I don’t want to be part of processes anymore where we are suffering for our art. 

If I wanted to suffer I would do something else. 

I don't know, like lifting weights which are heavier than what I can carry while balancing on a stick.

 

Mark Manson wrote if you love and want something enough—whatever it is —then you don’t really mind eating the shit sandwich that comes with it. And I guess he is right, everything we do will have disagreeable parts. Everything. I guess for me there are limits of disagreeability and there is always a way and a way to handle them. 

 

What’s becoming disagreeable about this website for you, now?

I think honestly it’s that I am not waking up and just starting with it right away.

Now I notice that I have put on my phone all the meetings or errands I have to do in the calendar but I have not put website time on my phone.

I just did that now - I feel better.

More relaxed that I will actually work on it. 

 

But you have been already working on it right? And actually doing a pretty good job?

That is true indeed.

But somehow I don’t acknowledge that work because the beginning and the end times are a bit fluid and then I feel like everything is replaceable. Yes some structure some routine and order for me to take in that I am actually working. To maybe say “ah, I did an hour today, I did four or five”. 

 

Anything else you’d like to add?

YES!

I just want to add something about the fact that I start to experience fear when the ball starts to roll for real.

When something really takes off, 

when I do get the money for the project, 

when the website really starts to come together.

You know what I mean?

I see other’s with more excitement in their eyes when this happens.

I just want to go in a hole.

Which is a pity you know?

Because it’s also great.

Honestly.

It’s both great and lovely that I have carved out time to build this website, to enjoy bringing images together, to set up this virtual space which will day maybe be my little archive. How nice is that? I am also learning how to do this website making and a something like three weeks ago I had no clue how to do such a thing.

 

I wonder…

 

What do you wonder?

 

Am I scared I will be consumed by my own power rather than my negative thoughts?

Can I hold my power?

Am I scared of the beautiful stuff I can make?

 

Maybe let’s let this question marinate in your consciousness and get back to work?

​

Yes but this also work right? I like reflecting.

 

True. But now you spent an hour on this and I think that’s enough for today.

Ok byeeeeee!